You interview me.

 

 

            You: So Lucas has been kind of missing in action lately and I have been wondering where the hell he is, and I assume maybe you have as well. Today while sitting at a coffee house I saw him fly by on his bicycle, I jumped into my car chased him at fifteen miles per hour hit him, pinned him down on the corner of Pima and Swan and asked him the following questions.

 

            You: Dude, What’s up?

 

            Me: Umm well you have me pinned on the side of the road and I think I have a piece of broken glass or something stuck in my ass…

 

            You: Oh, that sucks… well could you answer a couple of questions for all the people who have been wondering where you have been and what you have been up to and then I will let you up?

 

            Me: How about you let me up and then I answer your questions? This piece of glass in my ass really hurts.

 

            You: Promise you won’t run away?

           

            Me: I promise… but if you make me late I’m gonna take this piece of glass outta my ass and stick in your eye.

 

            You: Fair enough. Where is it you are heading?

 

            Me: I was on my way to work, that is until you hit me with your car.

 

            You: Cool… cool, so where are you working?

 

            Me: A new restaurant, we just had our soft opening tonight it’s called “Italia”.

 

            You: So is it Italian food?

 

            Me: Are you fucking retarded? Of course it’s Italian food, It’s called “Italia” isn’t it?

 

            You: Jesus dude, what the hell crawled up your ass?

 

            Me: A fucking piece of glass! Don’t you listen?

 

            You: Sorry man… It’s just that a lot of us have been wondering where the fuck you are, and what you have been up to.

 

            Me: I can understand that… I am pretty good looking and fun to be around, so why wouldn’t you and everyone else miss me.

 

            You: You mean besides the fact that you are a little hung up on yourself?

 

            Me: Fuck you I’m outta here.

 

            You: Sorry, sorry,… don’t go… I’ve got just a couple of questions and then I’ll drive you to work okay…

 

            Me: How about you drive me to the emergency room so I can have a professional pull this fucking glass out of my ass…!!!

 

            You: How many miles are you doing on your bike these days?

 

            Me: My commute puts eight miles a day on, and on my days off I am hoping to clock ten.

 

            You: Wow… and how long have you been working?

 

            Me: The last couple of days has been ten or eleven hours I think.

 

            You: Cooking for ten hours? It’s been a long time… what brought you back to cooking after five years away?

 

            Me: Honestly, It was the encouragement of someone I know who has nothing but good intentions for me, someone who remembers how happy I was doing it, even when I was miserable and tired.

 

            You: That’s great man, I’m glad you are liking it… we kind of miss you around here, you were a lot of fun during all of that free time that you had..

 

            Me: Well shit, of course I was… I had nothing but free time, you think I am going to just sit around being miserable and bored… I am going to head out and have fun… how ever I possibly can.

 

            You: What have you been up to? Meeting any girls?

 

            Me: Look maybe next time we can get to more questions okay… I really need to get to work,..

 

            You: That’s cool. I understand. Can I give you a ride?

 

            Me: No, I’ll just take my bike I love the feeling I get flying down the steet and next time you want to talk… please don’t hit me with your car, just ask okay.

 

            You: Fair enough, I’m glad we had this chance to talk… can’t wait until next time. I’ll call you this weekend and see what you are up to.

 

            Me: Please don’t I plan on sleeping a lot… after I get this broken glass out of my ass of course