You would think after such a lengthy "black out" here from the fair and just King Ellipsis that there would be a lot to say... you would think so wouldn't you? It would stand to reason.
Despite all of the things I have going on :
The juvenile crush I have on a bartender at a horrible restaurant, yet continue to go back.
The dramatic "swooping in" I am doing as the Sous Chef at a trendy downtown restaurant.
The stupid drivers I encounter riding my bicycle around the most beautiful city in the country.
Good times out shopping for my friends birthday... and feeling really proud of what I got.
My ex calling me for my veggie lasagna recipe (longest conversation we have had since the ending)
The frustration of looking for a place to live.
How passionate I am about my new job, and how I feel like I did when I was 23 except now my back hurts.
Fish being plucked in the night by Raccoons and the emotional turmoil involved.
Sitting in a bathtub right now, because it's the only place I can get an internet signal without sitting in a coffee shop.
So on and so on...
I'm exhausted... worn out... taking a much needed break...
Friendly reader "Inspirational Place", a reader who always has something kind to say... suggested a topic out of character for what I imagined her character to be since I don't know this person at all. I suppose that laying down the gauntlet and proclaiming that there was "no taboo" in what I will write about I was bound to be suggested another topic involving in one way shape or form genitalia.
Her suggestion was based on the idea that porn turns men off from the real thing. While I disagree personally, I still went ahead and did some reading on the subject... thinking maybe some sort of research would prove me wrong and I could immediately change my opinion to be in line with the research.
It didn't change my mind.
I read an article by Naomi Wolf entitled The Porn Myth. The basic idea behind the article was that porn did not turn men into sex hungry animals, it had the exact opposite outcome and created lofty ideals about sex and women that 99.99% of the time were not accurate and would promptly disappoint the men and send them running back to their DVD players and internet.
I don't get it.
While pornography in all of its forms is a huge and increasingly main stream business... I don't lend it that type of power and influence.
Today porn is drawing more women than ever before, at least on a public level that is. I don't see Naomi Wolf mentioning that. I have had many conversations with women where they either admit or proclaim their fascination with porn. It's nothing more than a canteen to get them trough the dry times, I think most men, or at least the men I know think of it the same way. Porn is okay, but it is absolutely no substitute for the real thing... and if anything it is giving people ideas on how to have a little more fun during sex not chasing them away from it.
I myself look at porn from time to time. I don't feel any sort of shame associated with it, and it certainly does not tame my libido. Think of it this way... You are tied to a chair facing a television. You have not been fed in three days. The images on the screen are of glorious steaks in all forms, a constant barrage of tasty meat is on the screen for three days while you are starving. Once released... are you going to the salad bar?
Not me.
Naomi Wolf wrote what seems like a researched article on the subject, and wrote it well... but I believe her to be fundamentally wrong.
*on a personal note...
Thank you to everyone who made suggestions. I now have an actual list to work off of the next time I find myself in a pinch, and fret not... every individual gets their credit. I will not pretend that your idea is mine... so keep those suggestions coming. I like a challenge... and by the way watching porn is not a challenge. Try getting a woman to sleep with you when you don't have a job... that is a challenge.
So... I am feeling an onset of laziness as it applies to this "blog" again...
what would you like to see written about?
No subject is taboo... for example... the post How did we get here from there? was user generated... by one of my favorite readers I might add.
or this one... which shows my ability to take any one idea and run it straight into the ground -> Poor Helena
Nothing is impossible or too far fetched or too weird or too silly.
Shoot me a message or leave a comment... I would like to see what your brain makes for me to create.
Is everyone knowing everything going to breed some kind of utopia?
I doubt it.
brought to you by our proud sponsor
THE INTERNET>
1. Have you ever noticed that sun-dried tomatoes and peyote look remarkably similar? Not really suggesting anything here, I am just saying.
2. To get that much sought after promotion at work... subscribe to a bounty of porn magazines with your rivals name and your workplace address.
3. Need to get through the checkout line faster ? Remove things from the cart in front of you and gently point out that they seem to have everything they need for cake... and yet no eggs.
4. Kids keeping you up at night with their "nightmares", just tell them that if they don't close their eyes and be quiet Jesus will die.
5. Tired of being invited to your friends "art openings" at cafe's ? Send out an e-vite for folks to come view what you left in the toilet this morning.
6. Annoying vegetarian friends? Invite them over for dinner and try veggie rumaki: wrap a strip of imitation bacon
around a water chestnut, spear with a toothpick, and broil—but instead
of imitation bacon use real bacon, and instead of a water chestnut use
veal.
7. Ex won't stop calling you? Go ahead and email those nude pictures to their mother.
8. At your friends house and their kids are driving you crazy? Give them caffeine pills and leave. That will teach them to use birth control.
9. Have a friend who drinks too much? Tie them to a chair and drink an entire bottle of whiskey in front of them. Then maybe have sex with their spouse, that's up to you.
10. Is mom giving you grief on the holidays because you are "still single"? Next Thanksgiving, bring a prostitute.
Now I am not one to disparage a tasty treat... frozen novelty or otherwise... but my recent exposure to Popsicle brand popsicles has been a sever plight on my daily existence. Some of you may be familiar with this particular brand of popsicle for the unique fact that there are jokes hidden under the treat itself on the pospsicle stick. These jokes have been wandering around the house for a few days since a buy one get one free deal at Safeway got us 48 orange, grape and cherry flavored pops to help alleviate our hangovers after the 4th of July. They helped rehydrate us but the jokes hurt our hearts and minds in such a defening wave of badness that I can't help but stand up and cry "shame on you Popsicle brand popsicles!!!".
Last night I spent a little time on their website trying desperatly to understand how they can show me one reason not to go after them and their jokes... I found nothing but a little history and also managed to earn my Popsicle P.H.D., dissapointingly refered to as a "pop quiz"...
ok and now the jokes... so you can see where I am coming from.
Q: What do you call a really funny snake?
A: Hiss-terical
Q: What kind of phone does a turtle have?
A: A Shell-ular phone.
Q: What does a car wear when it's cold?
A: A Car-digan
Okay I am going to stop there for a minute and point out that the intelectual level of a person that would find these jokes "Hiss-terical" wouldn't be able to read... might not even be able to hold a popsicle well enough to eat it. I was further dissapointed by their website when I saw that there was nowhere to submit jokes, the royalties from getting printed on even a small percentage of the 1.4 billion popsicles produced by them per year could easily pave an easy life for myself.
I would like to offer up to the good people at Popsicle a few submissions of my own anyway.
Q: What does a cloud wear under it's clothes?
A: Thunderwear
Q:What happens when two slugs fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: You climb in a tree and act like a nut.
Already I am better than them... and I'm not even trying.
Before I leave you today, I am going to share the worst joke that we came across printed on a popsicle stick... the pure irony and contradictory nature of this joke caused me to roll on the floor in pain... my soul hurt after hearing this joke not only the first time but every remaining time after that ( we ran into some repeats in the 48 pops).
are you ready?
sit down... take a deep breath... and take a sedative because this is going to twist you up...
Q: What time is it when you are out of ice cream?
*now if I was a corporation with so little shame that I printed horrible jokes along side of my product, dragging down the quality of the product itself (similar to bad service with great food) I would go ahead and make a shameless plug here and dictate in the answer A: Time to buy some Popsicle brand popsicles ( who needs ice cream when you have a popsicle?) Think about it, advertise on your own product... makes perfect sense. Cheap and effective. However that is not the direction they chose... hope you are ready.
A:Time to get more ice cream.
Do you see the problem here?
Am I the only one in the universe that finds this dissapointing?
Please rejuvinate me with good jokes and by helping me begin a grass roots letter writing campaign to Popsicle telling them to shape up or ship out... please. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Time to get more ice cream!?!?
(I sometimes wonder if there is a theme on Sunday, that even I don't see.)
(is there?)
Let's start with once again making it clear that I more often than not could give a crap what people think about me. I listen to the expertise that my friends have on certain subjects for the simple reasons that A) They are smarter than I am, and B) I trust them... other than that when judgment is passed on me or an action of mine I dismiss it. Self centered? maybe. Fiercely independent ? absolutely.
I may be a fool for thinking this way... that is that someone else may think I am fool... but honestly I don't care.
Where does this all come from?
It comes from taking a hard look at the life that I lead in comparison to other people. I have reached a plateau in my existence and have joy in it's simplicity.
... and now for the therapeutic statement...
"A vacation is not an adventure... it is a reprieve from reality. True adventure takes daring and a willing embrace of all that is unknown."
Okay ... I feel better now.
on another note I have a song stuck in my head... and in an attempt to get it out I now share that song with you.
Have a wonderful day!
I have a love hate affair with television. I go through long periods where I don't watch it at all out of pure disgust for what is being produced. I do however religiously watch shows like Lost and accept and admit to my hypocrisy. Watching a television show at my leisure online does not form any shelter from the standards I occasionally have. That being what it is... I nearly had a complete nervous breakdown last night after I realized what I had done.
I watched the entire finale of The Bachelorette... 2 hours of my life gone.
...and that is not the worst part, or the part that forces me to come here to my online confessional and admit what I have done...
The worst part is that I found myself rooting for one guy over the other... I chose sides on a reality television show!
Jesse vs. Jason
I was rooting for Jesse. He was just a cooler guy, and when he won I was wishing I has someone near to high five.
I am ashamed of myself but I own it.
Hopefully it will not progress to the point that I am a fast food munching, non voting typical American.
Currently there is a long list of things I am not interested in at all ,( but tracked them down on the internet to prove a point, maybe their is growing problem here. ) here is just a few.
Verne ( mini-me ) Troyer and his sex tape.
Anything involving Drew Barrymore and Justin Long
That Daisy Duke shorts are back in style
That the Osbourne Family is going to host a variety show on Fox.
So I am off to the Yellow Pages to see if there is a particular brand of therapist that can help me stop contradicting myself when it comes to television. I can't stand on a soap box and denounce our culture when I find myself slipping into its cold, dark grasp. I need help... I'm scared of what I might watch next.
On the trip from Arizona to Portland I found myself with a lot of time to allow my mind to wander. If I was a passenger or if I was driving my mind had time to think about a lot of useless crap. The particular batch of useless thinking that stuck most with me was that which popped into my head while driving on the freeway through L.A.
Quite literally both hands on the steering wheel, beads of sweat on my brow and all fingers crossed. There were moments I thought for sure that I was going to die, but my experience taught me something valuable and essential to driving through L.A... shoot first.
But... like I said there I was firing every synapse in my brain gathering all information and using it for survival with my fingers crossed... not the best time for my mind to start wandering or wondering but it did... "Why do we cross our fingers?", and "How come I don't already have a plethora of knowledge on this useless subject?"
I managed to find the answer to the first question with a little help from the internet which solved my personal question as it pertains to not knowing this useless information... which I now pass on to you.
As with the Sign of the Cross, the Fingers Crossed action is used when the person feels the need for good luck, courage or protection. Most people accept that it's superstition at its simplest, yet is it so common, in both action and speech. But when did it originate?
Crossing the first two fingers is a good luck sign recognized around the world. It is, however, not so common in Buddhist and Muslim cultures, suggesting that the symbol's origin is Christian and was imported to Asian countries along with other Western ideas, food, fashion, technology, karaoke (no, wait a minute...).
There is no evidence to support this, but one theory goes that during the various times when Christianity was illegal, the crossing of fingers was a secret sign for Christians to recognize each other. Yet whilst the Sign of the Cross has evolved into a good luck symbol and retained its Christian meaning, Fingers Crossed has lost any Christian connection.
Other reading on the subject suggested that the sign pre-dates Christianity, when it was believed that benign spirits dwelt at the intersecting point of the cross, as in the Solar Cross. In Europe, the sign was made by two people; the first to make the wish and the second to support it. Linking their fingers firmly would squeeze and energize the spirits into beneficial action.The roots of thumb wrestling as well perhaps?
I hope at this point you have enough information to bore the shit out of people at a dinner party, which is most likely already boring if you are bringing up this silly subject...
